Rocket From The Crypt:
Scream Dracula Scream

Why does everybody like these guys?

Rocket From the Hype's new lunk rock album probably provides perfect background music for all of the fraternity parties which must currently play it. Since RFTC still manages to somehow wear the alternative badge of "ultra-hipness," frat boys can confidently drive down the street in their jeeps and play this sleeper while they scam for tan blonde coeds and radiate the mantle of coolness from behind their Oakleys.

Primus fans must be prime candidates for this uneventful shit. So many Americans-esp. southern Californians-want to feel crazy but not take any actual risks. This includes using one's own critical faculties. RFTC, and music like it (e.g., MTV's "Alternative Nation" bullshit), has more to do with cool posturing than a love of music.

In other words: people listen to musical mediocrity like this simply so they can feel current, hip, "in the know," even pompous.

Of course, when a great label like Sympathy for the Record Industry puts out something by a band like this and then wastes some fucking great cover art on them, innocent lovers of music can be momentarily deceived.

Well, fret no longer. Even if you didn't know you were fretting. That's right. Fret and wander no longer in confusion. I have taken a huge task upon myself by trying to balance off all the praise heaped undeservedly upon these bland boys from SoCal. Why else would I waste so much space on this insipid album?

And for those few fence sitters who still question the crystalline logic of my argument: just ask yourselves, "why do I like RFTC?" (By the way, you can superimpose any number of other bands into this space if you like…) Only now can you see it all clearly. I know how hard this can be. As a teen I liked shitty bands like Kansas, Styx, and Boston. I am ashamed of this. You have your own shame now, but you can be cleansed of your sins as I have been. RUN DOWN TO THE CLOSEST RECYCLED RECORD SHOP AND TRADE IN THAT SHIT FOR A DRAGS OR BLACKTOP ALBUM-NOW!!!

And then tell others to do the same, while those damned things still stand a chance of getting purchased by stupid fratball types.

This album gets no thumbs up. Shit. Rockula. Shit.

Retro Metro -- Mission Control